What if all the standard procedures fail and the couple is told they cannot conceive? Then the couple is faced with the very difficult decision of whether to adopt or to use one of the donor egg programs. I will not attempt to address the many issues involved in adoption. Instead, this article will focus on the very real problems confronting a couple wanting to experience pregnancy.

The decision to go with a donor egg is a path strewn with very complicated procedures as well as emotions. The number of women wanting to conceive a child after the age of 45 has increased dramatically. The donor egg program has made it possible for peri-menopausal and even menopausal women to have a baby. Donor eggs offer many couples a choice when none existed before. However, the choice can be a very painful and complicated process.

It is during the decision phase and afterward that many couples have enormously difficult questions to answer. Some of the more common questions facing the donor recipient are listed here: What does it mean to have a child with someone else's egg? What are the particular problems that the parent and child will face? How do I tell the child they were conceived with someone else's egg and not my own? With almost all donor egg files sealed, how could the child ever find out about their genetic history? (Today, we more clearly understand the significance of these scientific findings; e.g., the breast cancer gene. Should the couple tell their families or not? These questions highlight some of the most common struggles facing the donor egg program participants.

There are powerful emotions facing the female recipient, in particular. She may feel shame when she cannot become pregnant on her own or feel "different" and isolated from other women. She may also have the sense that she has failed at being a woman and is therefore somehow deformed or damaged. Anger, grief, depression can cause havoc in the individual's and couple's lives. It is extremely difficult to simply turn these feelings off when it is time for work or play. In addition, the infertility community can often seem exceedingly clinical, thus lacking the compassion it requires to help couples resolve their internal conflicts. So, how does the individual/couple confront and resolve these very difficult emotions and move forward with perhaps one of the best options available?

If you have questions or comments, please e-mail me at barbara@drgoschi.com.